i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
