I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My balls are so social today.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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