Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dicks are not precious.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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