tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
