you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
