I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
