that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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