I feel like abortions should bother me more
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
