some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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