I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
