woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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