I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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