me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
