i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
