My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I have post one night stand depression
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