I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
