we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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