Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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