I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
In other news, I just burned my penis
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
