I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
