Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
