if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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