those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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