He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
