I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
