If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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