Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
