I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
