From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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