So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
