Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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