I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
