I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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