On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
