tonight lets celebrate not being married
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
