Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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