Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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