When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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