I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
