I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
