The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
