Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
