I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
