I am spending my child support on dildos
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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