Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
