Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
