Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
