God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
