I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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