'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
