The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
