have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
