Where is the hickey?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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