Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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