On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
