Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
