Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
