totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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