I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
