I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
