My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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